Today is a new day. I’m feeling much better. I have to accept things that are happening. I have to forgive all those that have hurt me. I also have to learn to discriminate between the people that are good for me and the people that are not. Things will only get better.
I have to work through these bad feelings, I have to transform all this negative energy into something positive for myself. Last night there was this man playing the violin in the subway. The music was incredibly sad and the surroundings affixiatingly ugly. It was a stage of despair, designed for all those people that were deppressed, because deppressed begets deppressed. It’s a vicious cycle. I don’t know at which point I found the whole thing to be funny. It was like I was suddenly aware of the puppet master’s big plan to make me feel worse. Feeling worse these days is a real possibility. Nothing comes easily, I’m fighting for every inch of ground. Everything seems like it is properly staged, a funeral of bad feelings. I tell myself that SOMEHOW, miraculously I will stay bright…somehow, I will continue to shine. I have to get up, walk out, live life…whatever it brings. I believe in love. It is not love that hurts it is the lack thereof. Things will improve. I have to climb to the top of the wall so that I can see the trees and the meadows. There is something beyond the now, time is not standing still, it is I who stands still letting time pass me by. I have to move forward. If he is meant to be with someone else only time will tell. I believe that there will always be a chance for us, mainly because I know that we love each other. If we had a choice we would be together. Still, I am hurt. I see all the new couples on the street and my heart yearns for a similar happiness. It is a difficult time, but all times pass. I have to be happy with what I have: My health, a great job, good friends, a supportive family, inspiration, and my beliefs. Next week I will be in San Francisco Time away will give me time to think.
Last night I went to the gym around the corner. I felt totally alianated when I walked in. I think it’s because I am used to working out with him. Will the same feeling happen next time I go shopping for groceries? Or the movies? I don’t know. It’s horrible. I can’t think about stuff like this. I have a million other things to worry about. Will I stay at my apartment? Move out? Go live with my parents again? I don’t know. I have to stay strong. I see people all the time that are less fortunate. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is backwards. Everything seems to revolve around this “Out with the Old in with the New” philosophy. It’s still freezing outside and all the stores are showing off the bikinis and mini-skirts. Is that what happened in my relationship? Am I the coat and she the bikini? In the old days, people stayed together, now people recycle each other. There’s no sense of fighting for anything. I just realize, much to my amazement, that I’m very loyal. I tend to think that I can change things if I hold on long enough. I think that I can actually make a difference, that I’m somehow the heroine of the story. I think that is called ego. There are so many things that I want to do. So many projects I want to finish. I think my website finally has some direction.
Goals in no particular order:
1. Cope better with my anger
2. Spend more time with my family
3. Publish my writing and write more
4. Finish the series of paintings I’m working on
5. Develop this space more regularly
7. Know myself
8. Forgive the people that have hurt me
9. Work out and eat healthier
10. Be more confident
11. Feel better about my relationship with R—
12. Spend more time at home
13. Stop worrying
14. Be Happy
15. Spend less time on the computer
16. Get my legal/monetary problems out of he way
17. Be more positive