Till Death Really?

People keep asking and I keep saying, “No, we don’t have wedding plans.” I haven’t planned anything, does that make me weird? Well it took us eight years to get engaged. I am in no rush. In fact some part of me is reluctant. Yes, I said reluctant. Is marriage natural? I need to work this through, I need to digest it in my mind. There can be no doubt. This is serious.

Do I love him? Yes, irrefutably yes. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Yes, otherwise I’d have said no when he proposed. So, then, what’s wrong with me? Do I think too much? What in the world am I seeking? My soul is ephemeral, languid, has trouble in tight places and can get claustrophobic. Is this what they call cold feet? Isn’t it a little late? I mean, we have been together for more than eight years, sharing our lives; living together. We’re friends, we have a wonderful life together. I wouldn’t change it for the world…and yet, some part of my heart rebels! Is this my nature? I’m not getting any younger. Who cares.

I’m having a rather strange and compelling dialog with myself. The days pass and the voices in my head don’t seem to agree. Maybe marriage or the idea of marriage feels this strange to everyone? I don’t know. People often lie in social situations, they lie to themselves and those around them. I don’t want a lie. I want to walk into this knowing this is 100% of what I want and need not 95% not 97%. I need to quiet these voices and these doubts. Doubt is a sign of weakness or of strength if I can turn it into the latter I’ll be better off till death do us part.

Then there is attraction. I am attracted to people, to ideas, passionate about all kinds of things. Attraction never dies, it is a forge inside us, a need,  something we’re born with and desire. I find ways of venting, of letting steam out of the kettle. My gypsy soul fights the cage, the prison and the despair that comes from being trapped. So many people complain about the institution of marriage it is no wonder I am wary. It is something I’ve both desired and loathed from a very early age.

When I met Rob the earth shook under my feet. I felt a cataclysm in my heart, as if I had been incomplete till I laid eyes on him. I knew he was the one right away, it took him  a little longer. Maybe if he had asked me within the first year these doubts would have been pushed into the back-burner and I would have worried about them later. I am impulsive after all. We’ve been through thick and thin, we’ve traveled the world side by side, lived a spoiled, insulated existence. The times that have tried us haven’t been so glamorous and have been dominated by the feeling that somehow I was expendable. We’ve been through good and bad, it hasn’t all been peachy. Eight years is a long time.

I sometimes wonder if other women feel as I do or if they’re all a bunch of mushy sops just dying to tie the knot and plan a cupcake wedding. I’m not a girly girl, never have been, don’t know what kind of wedding I’d like even. Electric Slide is definitely out of the program. I’ve given it some thought. I want something elegant, perhaps Parisian, with the theme of art, absinthe, passion. I don’t even know except that it should reflect the passion of our days ahead not the “settling.” I have no tolerance for the term “settling down.” It is synonymous with death. It’s when people lose their identity to the person they’re with. It’s when they give up their dreams, when they fade into complacency. Fuck it. I don’t want it. There is no room to settle.

Some part of my nature is over the top, dramatic and hyper stimulated. Some part of me is soft and luxuriant and sweet. Sometimes I’m mean and dishonest, sometimes I’m brutally forward and coy. My instincts lead me away from stability, it’s part of me that is self destructive; the part of me that is like air, that which is everywhere and nowhere. My heart leads me towards inspiration, to seek situations and people that make me sing with joy. My mind tells me I am in the right place I just don’t know it yet. Eventually all these roads will converge and I will have my answers. Until then, “I have no wedding plans.”

Time and timing is everything. I will know when the time is right to move forward and make some progress. I am ready I am simply unwilling. This is the truth as it can be most plainly spoken. Speaking it now makes me feel strangely complete, like I’ve been holding my breath. I am afraid of ceasing to be me and becoming someone else.

Here is a detail from Bernini’s Pluto and Proserpina (Hades and Persephone). I lack words to describe what it’s like to walk through the Galleria Borghese except to say that if you ever get the chance go! Makes you think…was Persephone really abducted or did she willingly go to her master? I am of the opinion she had the hots for Hades but that’s just me.