Transform

People should re-evaluate their friendships, because most of the time the relationship isn’t real. Once I started looking around me I saw that there were way too many people, and most of them were smoky and I could see right through them–intangible, people who you know, that pretend to know you, aquaintances at best. It takes a difficult gut-wrenching moment to shed light on these things, but once the sun rises, there’s no turning back. When the sun rose, and morning entered through my windows, the light shone right through those smoky natures and slippery loyalties to reveal that I have very few real friends…that the rest were looking for something, feeding from the energy around me, and when that good feeling went, they went with it. Simple as that. Lonely as that. I am much happier now. I feel like I’m being given an opportunity to be everything I’ve ever wanted to be, to know myself, to focus and be great; to create. This time, life moves only at my pace, no outside forces to disturb that beautiful progression. I feel like I’m transforming, becoming…transcending…growing. Everything seems to be filled with color once again. The dullness has washed away to reveal a glorious path filled with mystery and adventure. The air feels crisp and envigorating, and maybe, just maybe…one of these days I will be able to love again. The wounds heal fast because I am strong and slowly the world opens its arms to welcome me back. I feel idealism crawling back under my skin, optimism into the spring of my step. The weather continues to get warmer, the flowers sprout from the ground after months of hibernation beneath the frozen earth. Cold is not good for the soul it makes one walk briskly and hunched. Summer, on the other hand, is rich and sumptuous, filled with dreams that are larger than life, when the warm breeze seduces your skin. I’m looking forward…as I surrender into the arms of the winds. So difficult to describe the peace that I feel, the friendly stillness in my heart, the freedom that comes from having given one hundred percent…no regrets. I’m so unarguably happy. Giddy almost; like I was 7 again, sitting on the porch of my old house in Cuba staring at the multitude of stars in the sky. I used to try and count them all, one by one, for hours at a time. The nights are so dark, so undisturbed by the sounds of the city…in that distant place where I grew up. My feet bare, touching the cold, moist grass…catching fireflies, smelling the deep sweet scent of the white Muralla flowers that bloom only in moonlight, so intoxicatingly sensual. No sounds, no interruptions, only the sound of my breath as it leaves and reenters my life-filled lungs. Unforgettable peace. The heart soars, becomes one with all things…one rhythm beating the sound of truth…

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Work has been extremely busy. I’ve been getting home late, then staying on the phone late. I need some serious sleep. I think I’m beginning to lose it. Ahh…stress, how sweet it is. -DF left for Israel today. He called me last night to tell me how upset he is at the way our friendship has been going. I really think people should take a more active role in life rather than just sit back and wait for things to happen. I’ve been the one calling him most of the time and yet he feels like I’m ignoring him. I think friendship is not always about the good times. I think there are the good and then there are the bad and giving up on someone through the bad times is a sign of weakness. Once you make that vow of friendship you should stick with it, not passively, but passionately. Act! Reach out, let the person know that you are there…don’t turn the other cheek at the first sign of rejection. Often, when people are deppressed they will push others away, but, as is sometimes the case the one thing that they need most is a friend. It’s in these times that the truth comes out about who cares and who doesn’t. A lot of people disappeared from my life as soon as I stumbled and fell. No one wants to hear a person who’s in pain…or, in the case of The Beach, the wailing cripple. Eventually I just stopped talking to people, lost all desire to communicate feeling that I was pretty much wasting my time. A few people stuck around though, and to those people I give my thanks, because they really did make a difference in keeping me alive.

[learn_more caption=”What’s New”] I have to trim my bonsai tree. It’s growing all over the place. BTW Zak and I are trying to come up with a webring name for journal sites like ours. Names are very important, they give power to ideas. If you have any ideas for a good webring name to describe our sites do tell! I’ve been meaning to upload some sexy pictures of myself. One of these days I’ll get around it. Also, I would like to wish all the Aries people out there a Happy Birthday![/learn_more]