Who I am

Even though Mabelyn.com is a journal and most of the site is strictly personal many new visitors are curious as to who I am and why I do what I do. I have re-purposed an interview of me that Robert Mendoza (Azodnem.com) did a while back to start since I feel those questions are very relevant.

Q: Who is Mabelyn and what is Mabelyn.com?
A: It’s questions like, “Who is Mabelyn?” that make me nervous. What am I supposed to say to that? Whatever I am can’t certainly boil down to one sentence…or can it? Am I just totally full of myself or am I a modest, genius in hiding? Should I tell you? Who do I think I am? I mean, really, who the hell do I think I am? I think I’m scared to have a high opinion of myself, but I know the high opinion is lurking in there just waiting to be let out. It’s a well known fact that people don’t like other people who think they are better than them. It’s also a well known fact that in order to have healthy social relationships one must always put oneself down and kiss someone else’s ass. No? Well, since I’ve never done that I’m not about to start now. Kissing ass is simply not part of Mabelyn. Mabelyn doesn’t know how. Replace the “ss” in kiss and substitute with a “ck” and there you have it. Kick ass.

Mabelyn.com. What the hell is it? Is it the mad ravings of a Cubana or is it the deep convergence of the cosmos? Mabelyn.com is my little blackboard where I get to tell the whole world off if I feel like it. This is where I come to cry, to sing and dance. This is my virtual home; my virtual life…but of course each life must have its secrets, so half the time I’m keeping the good stuff to myself. If you only knew the things that are really happening between the sheets or otherwise…you’d probably lose respect for me, as would my parents (who have recently begun reading the site, can you imagine!). The hits would probably increase though.

Q: How long have you been on-line?
A: I’ve been online since I first started Scarlet Sanctuary back in 1996. I registered Mabelyn.com in 1998. I figure if your name is not taken…why not? For a while Mabelyn.com was home to a lot of the Vampire/ Goth stuff but one day it just wasn’t enough and I felt the need to express more. I do want to put the old stuff back up, but I want to refine it first. I’ll talk more about this later.

Q: What’s the site traffic like?
A: I’m into quality not quantity but the hits have been increasing at a rather staggering rate. When I first opened Mabelyn.com I would get a few hundred hits a week now the site hits average about 6,000 hits on an average day although the site has experienced peaks of up to 57,000 hits a day. I never thought…

Q: You spend a lot of time working on Mabelyn.com. Have you discovered that the site has redefined you as a person? as an artist?
A: I need to always be on the move, I need to lead, to create and evolve. I am not a follower, could never be. The latest incarnation of Mabelyn.com was born from despair [back in March 2000], but now I think it too is evolving. I am learning from reading myself if that makes any sense. Expressing these thoughts and feelings is vital to who I am today and it’s probably affecting who I will become tomorrow. For me sometimes the process is more important than the result. Sometimes the end doesn’t justify the means. I think one of the best descriptions of what I’m trying to do came from Chris Kirkman when he referred to me as a digital impressionist. When my site has been down I have felt deprived of my own experience.

Q: The intimacy issue: You share you personal thoughts with hundreds, potentially thousands of people whose faces you never see – are you an exhibitionist by nature?
Sometimes I think my space has been raped, and I often find myself losing my nerve when I think that my mom is reading this and people at work are reading this and my friends are reading this. It has taken a lot of courage to write some of this stuff. Sometimes I get angry phone calls from people that I know. As you can imagine they don’t necessarily enjoy having their lives posted on the great and prolific WWW. Prior to the online journal I had a great big site of nothing…it was all eye-candy and at a certain point I realized I needed to say more. Long story short, I do it for myself so I can remember myself!

I write these words to myself but perhaps they are for others. Perhaps I am reaching out, trying to quench that terrible need for acceptance; trying to show someone, somewhere the things that I have been feeling. In the end, if you don’t remember yourself no one else will.

Am I a slave to my web page? Maybe. Am I too personal? Not nearly, so don’t worry about it. For all you know I’m lying about everything…and “Mabe” doesn’t exist at all. She may just be a figment of your imagination.

I’ve had thoughts of creating another website (a secret one) that you could only stumble on by chance where I can really let go and indulge in all that exhibitionism that I know is in me. Just think, a space where I can really go off and post all those pictures that no one has ever seen. :) or that contains the stuff from the unedited paper journals. Maybe it exists already. [I think that space is called the parking lot across from my living room windows…God knows those people have seen it all…no special URL required…he he he]

Q: What’s up with the webcam?
A: I am an exhibitionist (in the kindest sense of the word) I certainly don’t go around flashing truck drivers on the highway or performing tasteless feats of public sex but I realized as soon as I plugged in the public webcam that I have limits. I password protected the thing after two days of stunted bandwidth and stalker-like e-mails from bored men. That’s way too public for my taste. I gave out the passwords to friends and followers of the site…even in spite of that it’s often turned off. The cam was more of an experiment than anything else.

Q: Where do you see Mabelyn.com (and yourself) in 5 years? in 10?
A: I think Mabelyn.com as well as the almighty Mabe will continue evolving. I have been keeping a journal since high school and I don’t foresee myself not writing. This is a discipline that has been well developed. I realize that it takes a little bit more than dreams to get something going. It takes hard work and energy and the application of those two things to take a goal to the next level. I am one of the most ambitious and openly aggressive people I know when it comes to chasing my own dreams. Even though right now my life revolves around a series of moments and my immediate goal is to accumulate more of the “good” moments than the “bad” ones, I know that it won’t always be this way. I’m at zero right now…starting again in so many ways. Ten years from now I will be famous.

Q: Any role models or inspirations we should know about?
A: I know this sounds completely egotistical [OK, well it sounds down right narcissistic] but I am my own inspiration and when that fails I look to nature. There is magic all around you if you just stop and smell the roses? Or smog? Or whatever just take a minute you’ll find it. There are lots of people that I respect and admire and I certainly always make it a point to feature tidbits of those who I admire as part of the journal entries, but I’ve never been a “fan.” I think that I can do anything I set my mind to!

Q: Any other projects on your “to do list”, artistic or otherwise, you care to share?
A: I always have new and exciting things up my sleeve. Right now I am concentrating on writing, writing, writing and no, not on this blog or on Mabelyn.com but something much bigger! I am working on a fantasy trilogy of books, a sci-fin novel and more stuff than I can name. I also have a corresponding coffee table book of art and well…much more. I can’t divulge it all at the moment but suffice it to say it’s AMBITIOUS!

Q: Any other comments?
A: l always have an opinion. My father used to always tell me that if I found myself in a fight to make sure I would be the first to hit not be hit. I think that’s good advice in general. In addition: Es mejor tener muchas cosas en la cabeza que muchas cabezas en la cosa. God…I will need a whole new page for this question…so I better stop here.