Accidental

“I was not trying to be shocking, or to be a pioneer. I wasn’t trying to change society, or to be ahead of my time. I didn’t think of myself as liberated, and I don’t believe that I did anything important. I was just myself. I didn’t know any other way to be, or any other way to live.” -Bettie Page

Lately life has been all about the long hours. Work is extremely busy. That is good I suppose since it helps to keep my mind off things. I’m finally seeing a plausible resolution to my suspended license. It has been three months since I’ve been able to drive my car legally. I know, it’s ridiculous…don’t ask.

I feel really strange right now. Like I want to do something unexpected and crazy.

Last night in the subway there were these three guys banging away on their bongos. It was so awesome…the sound was guttural, it moved me. Drums always do. They were louder than the E and the F, louder than all the people, the beat hypnotic and ancient, the heat so intense, it was bigger than life. It’s funny to watch people as they try to cope with the smell of urine down in the tunnels, the sight of the rats as they scurry for scraps between the rails, the suffocating heat and the hot wind as the train stops. What an utter feeling of desperation! So wonderful. You can see the rage and the defeat mingling in their faces, and they’re ready to claw and curse and just be downright nasty to the first person that bumps into them. People try and keep cool, wearing less and less, fanning themselves with the Wallstreet Journal as their fingertips darken with the melting ink. Faces look melted, runny, makeup blurred, eyes saggy, cheeks red, legs irritated. There is no glamour in City summer and the heat hit us early.

More and more I feel my point of view begin to shift, to morph and to become increasingly more detached. More and more I realize that I’ve set traps for myself and I’m falling into them. There are things that I have to take care of before I move on. If I don’t I will be in trouble.

I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t trust anyone. Not only am I not ready for a relationship, but I am not looking for one. Love is a luxury. It is not something that is reciprocated in my own life right now. And while I feel that I am in love, I also feel that for that love to be true it needs to be returned. I am very aware of what I’m feeling, a mix of love and betrayal, so melodramatic, tragic in a sense because I feel that I did not deserve it. I have so much to give, so many beautiful things to share, and yet, there are others out there with nothing to give partaking of the happiness I feel belongs to me. Yeah maybe that’s my ego talking, but who needs modesty anyway. Look what modesty has gotten me! Nothing. Don’t you know, the meek don’t inherit the earth, talking, but who needs modesty anyway. Look what modesty has gotten me! Nothing.

Don’t you know, the meek don’t inherit the earth, they suffer underfoot as everyone else steps on them. I feel stepped on, and yeah there’s a huge chip on my shoulder. Why is it that nothing seems to work out? My life plays out like one accident after another. Maybe I am the accident afterall. I mean, I seem to be the common denominator of my own misfortune. This will all change. I will make it change. This will not be an episode of self fulfilling prophecy. I’m going to fight back and claim what I deserve. Question is: What is it that I think I deserve? *Draws a card from the deck*

To be continued…

I saw Gladiator twice. It was great. The soundtrack is also phenomenal. I particularly liked the dream sequences and the awesome reconstruction of the city of Rome. It must have been so spectacular! Back in ’90 when I was there, walking through the coliseum, I thought I could almost feel the roar of the crowds. The place is filled with ghosts, gigantic, magnificent and altogether terrible. It is speculated that the Coliseum had a roof once, but upon trying to reconstruct it scientists have failed time and time again. I thought it was interesting, and probably accurate, that for the CGI recreation of the Coliseum they used retractable flagpoles with canvas tarps. The Coliseum has too wide of a circumference to take the weight of a stone roof without caving in. I recommend that you go and see this film.

WHEN IN ROME DO AS THE ROMANS DO

While life without liberty was unthinkable to a Roman, liberty itself seemed worthless outside the only place within which it could be exercised: the city. Romans were very social creatures. They longed to belong to some form of society, however rudimentary. To remain human, people needed both bread and free – that is, regulated – commerce with their fellow Romans. For the Romans civilization was far more than just a few conventions and rules.To call himself truly civilized, a man required at least a family or a group of companions. Anything less was tolerable only for the briefest of periods, a time of crisis in which, like Aenaeas searching for a place to found his city, a man might find himself forced into solitary wanderings. To stand between himself and the world, a Roman needed some form of community, wether this was called a city, a culture or a civilization.