Breath of Fresh Air

Thursday did change my life. Hard to explain how…just that I realized lots of things. Yesterday R— called and told me he was going out. Of course what that really meant is that he was going out with HER! I sent him an e-mail immediately after we got off the phone and told him he need not tell me where he goes. When I left the office I was in pieces. Feeling all those negative things I vowed not to feel anymore. Funny enough I had my own plans Thursday night, so it’s not like I asked him if he wanted to hang out or anything. Last night he did not come home. He stayed out with her. While this would have bothered me in the past it somehow made me laugh in the morning as I woke up happily and by myself in the middle of my beautiful Queen sized sleigh bed. :) Last night was a new beginning. I’m not going to get into the nitty-gritty of how I found myself on that particular crossroads, but I will tell you how and what I feel right now.

Firstly I cleaned my house. For a long time I just simply haven’t had the energy. The place had looked like a pigsty for way too long so I did something about it. I’m one of those people that is very impulsive, and when the mess finally gets to me, I am compelled, like a woman possessed to FIX IT! So I did. Slowly but surely my house began to take shape. That out of the way I ate dinner. Real dinner. My mother brought over the most delicious stuffed bell peppers and rice. That is something else I don’t do. I’ve been so stressed that I’ve been surviving on coffee and bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches. I remember breakfast. The rest of the meals are simply forgotten. I don’t eat regularly at all. My fridge is empty. I can count the items in there. A sad line-up of condiments: A1 Steak Sauce, Mustard, Non-Dairy Creamer, rolls of yet unused 16mm film, Margaritta Mix from last summer, de-fizzed Coke, and other yummies. Needlesss to say, my health has been suffering. The combination of stress, worries, insecurities, sleeplessness, lack of appetite and other assorted dysfunctional patterns have all been working together to orchestrate a sublime symphony that very quickly reaches its crescendo. For months now I have remained in a destructive situation unable to help myself. My life has been falling apart left and right and I’ve been sitting there watching it happen. I have experienced all sorts of feelings. I’ve even felt so bad as to want to end it all. I’ve wanted to die. Fortunately, I’ve resisted those feelings, have gotten myself back up only to realize that I was about to fall again. People talk of emotional roller-coasters, but that falls short of the daily reality I’ve been living. I’m not going to get into the details, but let it suffice to say that I’ve never experienced a period in my life more dark or more dangerous.

Getting on with my new-found happiness. Last night was my last night of mourning for the loss of “us.” Somehow, almost miraculously, I found myself again. Not that girl that used to cower, crying in a closet, but the woman that I am: Proud and Strong. I am the strongest person I know. Believe me when I tell you that it would have been easier to go from the beginning than to stay as long as I did for the sake of that ideal, so ingrained in me…true love. At which point it happened…I cannot say, but at some moment I realized all that I was truly conscious of from the beginning of the whole thing: The disrespect, the nasty, detailed stories of how much he liked her, the fact that he was actually enjoying my suffering, the unnecessary cruelty of the words that came time and time again, the endless nights when I cried so much it was hard to get up, my face swollen only to have him get up in the middle of it and get this girl a box of Donuts for her sleep over all the way in Jersey City…

Do not try to change love lest love change you…We need to get away from each other fast. My tears all these months have just given him a total sense of security, like I’m always going to be there. He’s grown apathetic and indifferent. I am Mabelyn Arteaga. No man has the right to treat me in this manner. I feel like this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the moment of no return, when we cast the dice onto the table and fate is decided. The only thing I can say is this: I am not the Potato Chip Man’s wife…could never be. If that doesn’t make sense to any of you reading this don’t worry it’s not all that important. The best thing about this realization is that if they do indeed belong with each other I’m totally OK with it. And if I’m OK…you’re OK… :P

What am I really loosing? I tell myself that I’m loosing, but I’m WRONG!!! I can only hope to gain. By remaining I’m jeopardizing my mental and emotional health. This is not what is in store for me. And if it is then I will find a way to bend destiny to my will and make it different. I have the power to make changes in my life. I have the power to lift my soul out of this pit of snakes. I am too good to be dragged through all this mud. I am loosing only a person that wants to be lost in his own little world, a selfish person that says he’s been there with me, but has only done it a quarter of the way. No need to make judgements. I am free…need to be free from him. My self respect requires it. My life is not going to turn into that sad beauty and the beast story…because that story is only a MYTH!!!! If she loves him enough he will change…NO, he won’t!

The surrealness of it finally hit me. I was being treated like I was less than nothing. Yet I stayed holding on to the love that I know is in there beneath the recent sadism and the confusion. I stayed because I kept telling myself that I knew this man, that he would eventually see the truth. Truth is he doesn’t even know why he likes this woman, when he speaks of her it doesn’t sound like he’s in love, it sounds like he’s being manipulated somehow…but…that is not my story or my business. Loving someone doesn’t have to be painful, it doesn’t need to destroy your life. After this experiment of life after quarterization I’m not sure if there will be anything left for him if he should ever come back. I am finally done.

Whatever has been oppressing me will be lifted. Last night felt as though my spirit finally saw the light. Like my vision was clouded, stopping me from finding the path to my peace of mind. Jealosy left running with that realization. I finally left the triangle. I finally walked out. When I return from San Francisco I expect him to have found a place. I no longer wnt this man in my house, clouding with his insincerity the peace I once found inside those walls. I felt happy this morning, as if all is as it should be. I no longer care who he’s with. I love him–the him that treats me nice, the him that I make love to in my mind on quiet mornings. I’ve even loved the him that isn’t nice, but it will never be the same.

Change is internal and eternal. Change drives our existence. We adapt, reflect, mold, evolve all the time. We are alone, born alone…born free. I will be damned if I care so much about another person that it ends my life, my hopes, my dreams of happiness, my smile. No. I love…do love…passionately…will always, but is love love if it is not returned? Yes, but only for a short while before it turns to smoke and passes on as another clever circus illusion wrought by life. I am not denying that what we had in the past was real. But in order to evolve, to become…the now must be analysed.