Cast the dice

Relinquish responsibility. Cast the dice. I cannot control every wisp of emotion, every nuance of every situation nor am I the keeper of other people’s happiness. I am feeling slightly burned, slightly destructive, a bit careless. I turn on the news and all I hear is chaos, we’re drowning in it. Need to anchor my feelings, lest they drift away into less respectable directions. Then again, why? Do we just have this life to live? Imagine all the people living for today? I want to wear red. I want to randomly kiss a stranger. Wicked little fantasies.

Part of me craves the soft sheets of my bed. To curl up in Rob’s arms and drift into a peaceful slumber. This always happens when I sleep too much, this feeling of low, down; the wicked tendrils of depression. Bleak. What the fuck is wrong with me? My head is spinning in all kinds of directions, wanting more, needing less.

Sick of talking and dreaming in riddles. Ideas churn in my head without respite. Colors, feelings, brightness and darkness wrestling–a card game; a hustle. Velvet tables, I can just see them burgundy and green under sparkling chandeliers. The sound of slot machines clinging away as coins smack metal plates. An ounce of hope as eyes remain glued to icons, beckoning. Cherries. Three in a row.

Vegas. I remember it well. Like a faraway dream. Strange little town; wasteful and glorious. Couldn’t help but think how much it cost to keep the Venetian’s canals dewy and the Bellagio singing; a blistering oasis of commodity. Hey big spender….spend  a little time with me! Makes me smile to think of how fake it is. Paris, Venice Vegas style. Can’t believe they tore down The Glass Pool Inn. Classic. Lost.

Why Vegas? Why is it on my mind? Maybe it’s the dice rolling in my head. They will land soon and I would have either won or lost the game. Is it about winning or is it about playing? What do I hope to gain by playing versus winning? Then again I might lose but if I do I’ll do so in style. Sometimes the best you can hope for is to escape death or to land somewhat gracefully with your dignity.

Pack a suitcase. Go. Travel. See the world. Taste it. Bluffing they say is not a science, it’s the art of making other players believe you have a better hand than you really have. If used correctly bluffing can help you. The key is to pay attention to other players, the more you know about your opponent’s habits the better. If a player is a novice they may bluff too frequently making them easy prey. I’m a terrible player.

I have a hard time lying about just about anything but with determination I could just barely get away with it. Where am I going with all this? Just writing I suppose or lying. Telling untruths. Bending truths? Next thing I’ll ask is what is the meaning of life. Have you read Sartre? Existentialism on the brain!

A philosophy concerned with finding the self as that is all that is–discovering the meaning of life through free will, choice and personal responsibility. People are searching to find out who and what they are throughout life making choices based on their individual experiences, beliefs and outlooks. Existentialists believe that a person is best when struggling against their individual nature. There are things that cannot be rational.