Feel the Love

Firstly, there have been a lot of people complaining because the all too cool Goth stuff and graphics are gone, to them I would like to say that this space is dynamic and that it is always changing. I needed a change. Maybe in the future I can improve on all that vampy stuff and repost it. For now I’m very happy with this clean, crisp, white page. I’m zenning ok. Don’t criticize…just read, or not, but be at peace with my webby needs. Download the Pokemon and feel better!

Ok, cool I’ve made it this far. I’m starting to feel good again, like anything is possible. Spring is in the air, my birthday is around the corner and I feel empowered. As long as I don’t cut my hair I’ll be fine. :) After this weekend I’ll be in San Francisco on business for a week. But it’s only Wednesday so stay tunned. In my opinion the internet is the most significant advancement in the dissemination of information since the printing press…HURRAY!!! Use it, abuse it, it’s yours. I feel like these daily confessions are really helping me along. More of you should do the same.

Last night was really nice. I have to say that the last two days have been great. I am slowly realizing that there are certain things in life that I cannot affect. It is a difficult realization, but what can I do? You can’t force someone to like you or love you. So in one sense it is really a simple matter.

All I have to worry about right now is being the best that I can possibly be (without having to enlist in the ARMY). All is fair in love and war. I’m just happy that we’re treating each other with respect, and hope that in the future we can continue along this path. I can’t forget what it was about him that I loved: His sensitivity, his kindness, his idealism, his intensity, the creativity and the wit, not excluding his dashing good looks. Keeping that in mind, I’ve realized that I still like all those things about him. It’s not him that I don’t like, it’s the situation and the circumstances under which it all came about that I disagree with. Then again, is there a good way to break up with someone?

My Bonsai tree is turning out quite nicely. I think it’s time to trim the branches again. I bought it in San Francisco back in January. I have to take a picture of it. I don’t have pets, mainly because I travel often and the landlord objects, but one day I will. The other day the most adorable Daschund got attached to me while at the Pet Shop. My credit was denied. I wanted to buy him and name him Zorro. He had the most adorable black stripe across his eyes.

I received really inspirational e-mails from friends today. I feel the LOVE…are you feeling it yet? A couple of things stood out from the e-mails and I wanted to mention it here. Robert wrote me about having faith, a concept that I deem very important.

“If there is one thing my life has taught me, is that there IS a God, and believing in him honestly gives a person great strength…I’m not talking about the Catholic dogma…or hitting the church weekly. but realizing that we are all part of something. Each and every one of us. That’s power. That’s faith. That’s love, and that will bring you peace. Give your pain to him Mabe, he’ll make it go away. (and maybe this sounds a bit ridiculous, but sometimes a teaspoon of blind faith is all the medicine one needs.) Everything does work out for the best.” –Robert–

“what I have noticed is that there are 2 types of people

1, People that can achieve anything they want…and be what they want and do what they want.

2, People that don’t have to …i.e. they are carried…or know how to make people carry them….i.e. number 1 people….

unfortunately ive seen the number 2 people swap and change relationship as the number 1 people start to understand that they are being led astray.. ”

–Zak–

Zak brings up an interesting issue. I have met so many type 2 people…mainly because I’m type 1. There are some people I know that sit on their ass all day and pretend. They put on a good show, but what they’re really waiting for is a free ride. The worst part is that there is always someone there to give it to them. I’m tired of people like that, with no real drives or passion, dependednt people, leeches that find success on the shoulders of those of us who work really hard for everything. Parasites…Ok, I’m going off the deep end here.

I haven’t been single since I was 15. Crazy huh. Maybe this is a good opportunity to discover who I really am away from the boyfriend that is. I liked us together a lot, but if that can’t be, it can’t, simple but hard…it is time to learn about myself. Truth is that we weren’t born together, we were born alone. I love it how all these tacky cliches eventually do start making sense. We are still very attracted to each other and that is another form of confusion. Sometimes I tell myself that we were meant to be together…but hey, we were. We have been together for 7 years, that is no small acomplishment. Unfortunately, I feel almost like we grew up together, but our relationship didn’t evolve. Who did we become in 7 years? I’m no longer that 18 year old. That’s part of the problem I think, we don’t really know each other. I want to get to know him, as he is now, not as that person I met so long ago. Maybe this is the best thing that could have happened to us. This is a time to grow and blossom. We are not kids anymore.

Outside of the building where I work, there is a gigantic inflated rat balloon. It’s huge and I think it personifies NY quite well. All the business people in their suits look very funny as they cross the street in front of the giant rat. I love it. Yet…the feeling remains…I want to be back in Venice. Maybe I will write more later…FEEL THE LOVE!!!