Fortress

In the bleakness of my days and the solitude of my nights I discover the little lights of freedom and the vast expanse of my self knowledge. All the fear is gone and I have emerged from the fires of self inflicted illusion and bottomless dreams onto a very different landscape. I have trimmed the fat of my existence and I thrive solely on what is necessary, on what is required to survive. Gone are the lazy days of feeling that melancholy sad burning of abandonment. Having known the truth I know that I was spoiled and saw misery where there was none. Having walked the path of pain for so long, feeling the pain still, within me as the embers cool to a slow burning, I know that the forlorn feelings of before were nothing. They were candy-covered flowers in comparison to what it really means to hurt. There is something in me so unquenchable…that desires so furiously to be free, that it will stop at nothing. What I’ve gone through has been part of that burning that will make me lean with thought, that purifies me and distills me and boils me down to my most crucial essence: that of the wind that bends the reeds, the water that flows around, the desire to be intoxicatingly me. I don’t want to hide anymore. Yes…the pain hurts, the wound bleeds, but that is part of the me of now. You still want to know me don’t you? Yes, the pain intensifies the all too familiar moods, it builds arguments with sharp, glittering facets but it is still me, part of me…part of the thorns that grace a rose. I cannot live in denial of the sorrow that IĀ feel, the loneliness that shakes my roots, the gruesomely stark thoughts that race through my mind. These are things I’ve learned to live with–emotions I’ve learned to carry until the time comes to set them down. I have to realize that pain is natural, that the things that I feel, while excruciatingly intense, are natural. I tell myself that I can do anything, and I can, but I need to think day to day, I have to build my life back up again. I was born alone and will die alone. I do not need the companionship of a man in order to validate my own existence. I do not need another human being in order to value myself. My value comes from within, from who I am, what I’ve become and what I will be. My self worth is not another person’s liability. Comparisons are illusions and I will not be compared. That is not honorable.

I am aware of those that love me. I am aware of those that don’t. Both is fine, the latter simpler. Love is so infinite, so complex, full of subtlety and mystery. I do not claim to understand it, although I’m certain of having felt it. I have loved and have been loved and I can tell you that people in love are still people. They’ll fall and make mistakes even while loving you and you will do the same. Does that mean that your love is any less valid? No. It’s just unexplainable.

“In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer.” -Albert Camus

I feel like I’m nearing a fork in the road. I have many decisions to make, many things to consider. Focusing on the struggle will only create resistance. I’ve been on the ground for too long, time to rise to the top of the trees and look out. Things aren’t always what they seem and I am guilty of making hasty judgements. I have to be impartial even towards things that are painful and too close for comfort. Things aren’t always what they seem, yet I am the number one negative influence in my life, always seeing things pessimistically even if everything points in the opposite direction. I have to open my eyes wide and take a closer look, not with my heart, but with my mind. I have to be the thinker, because that’s when I’m at my best. At least now I know that I am not standing still.

The storm has passed, the fortress has crumbled…the grass will grow in.

[learn_more caption=”What’s New?”] I ran into a bunch of people in Barnes and Noble last night. I hadn’t seen Dahlia in ages. I told her to come and see the site. Hi Dahlia! I also saw Rachel…we spoke for a while, exchanged some ideas, laughed…I don’t think there will ever be a day when we won’t be able to just pick up where we left off. I watched a great flick last night: Nadja (produced by David Lynch) very vampy…loved it! It was dark and gritty and sooo intoxicating. Elina Lowensohn, plays this Transylvanian eccentric vampiress-Wow! She’s great. The film is very seductive. I also bought a really good book by Storm Constantine titles Wraeththu, I can’t put it down. Talk about blurred morality…you’ll need an open mind for this one. Oh no! Hermaphrodites rule the future :) Anyway, speaking of new things…my closet is haunted and I’ve developed a total mental block about going in there. It’s creepy. I feel like someone or something is watching me. I feel totally uncomfortable going in there…I get chills. Weird. Time for more of that despojo![/learn_more]

“Maybe the only constant thing in the whole of existence is love,” muses Sting. “I think you can be robbed of every-thing in this life: your home, your money, your self respect. Yet if you have love, if you have a relation-ship, then it doesn’t matter… ‘Love conquers all’ is the message I’m trying to give out. I actually believe it. I’m not just being romantic.”