It Only Gets Easier

Saying what you want to say only gets easier and easier. What do I have to lose? The friends that I haven’t got? I find that most people are just hypocrites. They say one thing then do something else. Give me someone who sticks to his word, that means what he says and I’ll be satisfied. Everyone goes away in the end…how right you are Trent. This morning I showed a picture to someone and casually commented, “here’s a picture of my family,” and there you were, standing behind my chair, smile on your face next to my mom and dad, hand on my shoulder. Where are you now?

“True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.”
-La Rochefoucauld

Jean-Marc left this morning. I hate good byes, that’s why I don’t say them. We parted with a “see you soon.” Never look back.

There’s this guy across the hall from me who has been playing the same wav file all day long. He must think it’s funny. I wouldn’t mind so much if it weren’t for the fact that it’s a blood curdling scream. He is driving me insane!!! For the record I hate this Microsoft natural keyboard! It’s horrible and it makes typing naturally impossible. Lately I’ve been insecure about the future of my company. I hate feeling unsure of my job. ItĀ seems like I’m rambling. Maybe I’m all out of catchy phrases and innuendoes. I think this year has turned out pretty bad for relationships…I mean everyone I talk to is falling apart at the seams with their respective boyfriends and girlfriends. Everyone is in the same boat, or on a raft…whichever way you look at it.

I don’t believe anything anymore. I’m tired of the lies, the constant arguments between lovers, the feeling that if this fucked up reality is sanity then sanity is nothing more than a great deal of pain and heartache. No one knows how I feel. The days are long, too long. I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m lethargic. Don’t call me to find out how I am feeling. I am fucked up. I think that is pretty clear. I will not elaborate on my webpages. Take them for what they are. I have been reduced to a brand name, another dot com in the endless sea of www’s. In the end I wonder if anyone will remember me. Is that even important? Who am I writing for? Am I doing it for myself as some sore of way to stay anchored. I don’t want to drift. Maybe that’s why I’ve disciplined myself to write each day, maybe this is what is keeping me safe. I think I have multiple personalities. Who knows? Day in and day out, nothing changes. Then again I have to ask myself what it is I’m really waiting for. Am I suffering from some sort of Sleeping Beauty complex where I think that one glorious morning I will be awaked with a tender kiss from a night in shining armor. I mean, I have to get real here. No one is coming to rescue me, least of all the person that I find myself still desperately in love with. What is a woman in love with an impossible love to do? I have to get those stupid silly ideas out of my head. Truth is he isn’t coming. Earth to Mabelyn: He’s got somebody else! You are not the one he wants to be with! OK, OK, I got it for now, until tomorrow when I know I’ll wake up feeling like nothing’s wrong. I went through a real low today…luckily it didn’t last too long. I find myself recovering. I find myself. I find. I.

I hate it when I have days like this. I feel like the world is passing me by. It seems we all try harder to get those people that don’t seem to like us. It’s almost a feeling of indignation and wanting to turn that around no matter what. I seem to be bending over backwards and driving the knife deeper. I want him to like me, to love me even, and even though I realize that there’s nothing I can personally do to cause that to happen I still try…humiliating my pride in the process. Does the penitent cycle ever end? We are family, but what does that mean? Families are overrated and familiarity breeds contempt.

I am bored. I am sad. I am out of here. Some things are better left alone. I just want to sleep for now. My house just serves to remind me of all we had and shared. It reminds me of our togetherness. The little place we built together for each other. We had hopes and dreams of each other once. I guess that counts for something. I am pathetic. I feel insecure. I’m tired of those feelings. Somebody else is enjoying my happiness, the arms that I once called home. Nothing gets easier…time is a lie and it moves far too slow.

Looking down. Looking at the road that has been traveled. I am not happy. I hope and my hope brings me sorrow. I feel small and insignificant…screaming at the top of my lungs and not being heard. There will be no rest tonight…no one to talk to, no one to ask me how my day went. My window will be black, the lights off…and no one will be home.

Last night was different.

Tomorrow will be better.

[learn_more caption=”Henry Rollins”] “I believe that the definition of definition is reinvention. To not be like you parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. Completely. When I was young I had no sense of myself. All I was, was a product of all the fear and humiliation I suffered. Fear of my parents. The humiliation of teachers calling me “garbage can” and telling me I’d be mowing lawns for a living. And the very real terror of my fellow students. I was threatened and beaten up for the color of my skin and my size. I was skinny and clumsy, and when others would tease me I didn’t run home crying, wondering why. I knew all too well. I was there to be antagonized. In sports I was laughed at. A spaz. I was pretty good at boxing but only because the rage that filled my every waking moment made me wild and unpredictable. I fought with some strange fury. The other boys thought I was crazy. I hated myself all the time. As stupid at it seems now, I wanted to talk like them, dress like them, carry myself with the ease of knowing that I wasn’t going to get pounded in the hallway between classes. Years passed and I learned to keep it all inside.”[/learn_more]