No Excuses

What does it feel like to wake up, look in the mirror and realize
That you’ve been fighting some sort of clandestine war
The lines in your face running deep like canyons
Eyes dark and cloudy, swollen from lack of sleep
Limbs that ache along with your heart
A soreness at your breast
Your hair tangled, a mess
Oily skin
All your scars are fresh, and you lovingly touch them
To remind you that you were once in love with the enemy
And that perhaps you still are
That in the purple half light of dusk
You gave in, surrendered and stopped fighting
That in that darkness you were born again
Stronger than you were
Before all the bleeding hearts
An orange sun in the sky
The sound of your own voice as it trails through the line
You find yourself looking down often
Wondering if you are strong enough to unwind
Or rather, if you are going to wind up
Like everyone else
Knowing nothing and not caring
Empty, dismembered souls who possess husks
Of tired, less than animated corpses
You think to yourself: I will make a fire and burn the dead
The wounded will survive and those that don’t will burn with the rest
I will feed this fire until it lights up the night
I will sit and watch as the flames lick
And soothe even the most hidden parts of myself
I will watch it bum until only skeletons remain
Only then will I rise, take off the old, charred skin
And live again
A snake in a woman’s body

You say that I can go
That I need not remain
To view the pain
To see you as you fold inwards and slice your feelings
Into red serpentine ribbons
Flowing downstream
You say that I can go
That I need not remain
To view the strain
To see you punch the walls, and batter your thoughts
Into poison blossoms
In the dark
Tell me of these others who are so far beyond my reach
These others that talk and chat placidly
That insinuate and deceive with every word
These others that are mindless followers
Mindless perversions of what it means to be human
I feel no shame when I say that I am not one of them
Will never be one of them
I will never fit in with the rest of you
Will never understand you
Wouldn’t want to be understood by you
Those days of seeking and not finding are gone
Hazy and blue memories of what I didn’t have
And now do not want
That’s where I am I don’t need your causes, your excuses
Your endless whining, your buttery smiles
I am better off alone than with a million of you
Don’t touch me, can’t touch me I’m beyond your filth!
I don’t want to hear how fucked up your life is
And how lonely you are, and how pathetic your
Existence has turned out to be
“Head like a Hole, Black as your Soul” I don’t buy that shit
I’m not going to be putting a bullet in my head anytime soon
Fuck that
Bring it all on
I’ll tear the ground apart for you, for me, for all of us
My desire to live is insatiable
You want to know what the real conspiracy is?
Look around, look at all the stupid people
People who don’t have a clue
Women who stash their kids in garbage cans,
Junkies in tenement houses that die in heaps of shit and vomit
Men who pay for a piece of ass
Women who give it up for a buck
Kids getting their skulls blown off,
The list goes on and on
I’m so tired of apathetic people
That have no direction
No semblance of intelligence
Yeah, maybe I am an elitist
Maybe I do think I’m better than everybody else

I will bum you with my faith,
Purify you with my love, my blind girlish hopes
I will crawl under your skin
Will lodge myself behind your eyes
You are condemned by your own choices
You are master of your own person
Then ignore me
I live in summer, in the temperature of flesh
I feel like a furnace, a wood burning stove, a crematory of dreams
I lose myself in the blaze, discarding hard won lessons
I walk the line
Can’t escape the fact that I’m strong
That I’ll come as close to the edge as I can
Yet will never fall|

The time of thoughts and madness
A time to twist the Wicked forth from my soul
And behold Her splendor as she dances for me
I loved her once
When I was lost in the sea of dumb men
Me and you We stole time from the world
We carved our home from seemingly nothing and here it stands
A monument of modern architecture
Lopsided and obtuse, still holding In this terrible weather
We have to stay close I can’t imagine my life without you
You are my sun, the moon, the howling of wolves,
The endless passage of eternity
You made me a woman
When I saw you I saw many nights ahead
Lying next to you, breathing in your goodness
Tasting your passion
There are so many things I’m inspired to tell you
Have our years together trivialized our words?
The earth is turning
Soon the remaining light will fade from this window
I don’t think there are enough synonyms for darkness
It is cold, will get colder
The shadow of a smile behind a trite and malicious set of words
Words that are spoken to maim and cripple, yet not to kill
And after a conversation with you
I’m crawling on the floor with bleeding stumps
Unnecessary, all of it! every single word that is spoken
A loss of time
An insane way to remain sane
A cornucopia containing the bloody fruits of our labor
I think it’s time to create something beautiful
I want you to leave your scratches on my back
Love is an illness, it lets you see what you could have had
A cesspool of inadequacy I have been bleeding for days
That’s just the price I have to pay
For having the privilege to bring another soul into
This fucked-up world
It makes me sad
And I do not desire to be a mother
I feel that I will die sooner than the rest of you
My life moves too fast, I do not stop, I do not rest
My mind is constantly thinking, exploring, burning itself out
I am too full of opinions, too impulsive, too narcissistic
Too contradictory and argumentative,
Too this, too that
My life is all your lives put together and more
A seer, a willer and a creator
An avalanche swallowing a mountain
Tears in the rain
Kiss me before I die I am still a woman
And in love

Yet I am human before I am a woman
I won’t dilute my persona in syrupy vats of femininity
It’s too easy to pretend, to cry, to be cute and cuddly
To close your eyes and fall into the arms of a strong and noble
Knight in Shining armor who will pay for meals
And provide you with shelter
While you waste away in that disguise of helplessness
There are already too many helpless women in the world
Women who don’t think,
who are so caught up In their lipstick and plastic
that they fail to realize they’re Falling apart …with lead for hearts
Empty women, filled and fulfilled by lies
I was there
No more
I will cut the heads off weeds,
Replant my rose garden,
Make things grow, I will be the sun

Distant voices
Call out to me
Generations of strength
Through war and famine
Eating grass
Never having felt sorry for themselves
Never giving up
I will not surrender, will not lessen myself for your benefit
Will not become a soft, and cushiony seat where you can repose
I am not accommodating,
Never have been
So if you want to change that
Pull the trigger
Because I, will not make excuses