How can I express…
What is it that I want to say in this space? There is always something going on and yet…there is never something on here that expresses who I really am or what I want, or need or look forward to. Sometimes life has a way of making me feel desperate, and I often feel as though I’m screaming into an empty well. These days I feel more alone than ever. I feel misunderstood and insecure. I’ve been struggling uphill with the deteriorating relationship between me and my boyfriend (now ex) of 7 years. He’s found someone else who he says loves him and appreciates him. He’s getting ready to walk out of my life and I’m not coping very well. I feel in my heart that we are meant to be together, and yet, all the signs point in the other direction. I’m still very much in love with him, but after months of bitterness and the haunting face of this other woman who I’ve never seen I feel enervated and insecure, lonely and filled with regret.
I keep on thinking that we still have a chance. In spite of all the tears and endless nights of mourning I feel compelled to return. We still share the same bed, and at least in sleep we find peace with each other. I cling to those moments, because any one of them threatens to be the last. In my heart I feel that he is the one. I’m blinded by my heart. We are damaged. This whole ordeal has taken a great toll on us as people. We struggle to be together but always fail. I feel as though something is conspiring against us, turning us against each other. No nice words come my way.
I haven’t been happy in so long. He is all I think about with the exception of her face, any face, any woman, all women. She has taken away my happiness. She is a thief. I don’t know how this will end. I find myself praying for an answer that doesn’t come. I try to be strong and I’m failing, limping, with no one to help me up. I scream into the well, “I love you!” but it is not heard. It does not matter what I feel. I have no control anymore.
We are just drifting at the mercy of fate. I dream of that ring with “Mabelyn forever” inscribed on the inside. I hope that will be true one day. These things that I feel are indescribable. The pain is wicked, it wakes me from my sleep. My sleep is filled with horrific dreams that drink my hopes throughout the night, making me awake in a cold sweat, tears of anguish in my eyes. How much longer can I hold on? Or is letting go the answer. I don’t know. I pray that he still loves me, that one day he will find his way back into my arms. I’m so broken right now.
[learn_more caption=”What’s New?”] On my way back from Venice, Italy I met Zak, a Londoner with some really great ideas. His website Zak.net is an inspiration for what you see before you now. Zak has begun to publish his journal online, something that I’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t had the courage. From now on I want to use this space more creatively, I want to open up a little more. My ten days in Venice were beautiful. I want to go back. I went with 5 friends and we rented a beautiful apartment overlooking Murano. For those of you planning to go to Venice or if you just want to find out more check out these sites. Venice Incoming, Meeting Venice, Venezia.net. Venice is a beautiful place with beautiful people. The best part of being there was getting lost in all the winding passageways. Carnevale was a magical time. I will upload some of my pictures as soon as I get the chance.[/learn_more]