Where has inspiration gone? I feel empty, devoid of it, as if it’s fled suddenly; evaporated into thin air. Emotionally I am all over the place. I am relieved that my grandmother is well, that the breast cancer didn’t spread; that ultimately it wasn’t genetic. I’ve been losing sleep, been gaming too much, or playing too many games, tossing and turning. Stressed deep down. I am unhappy with myself, feel that I could be doing more to better myself and yet, I don’t. I am just cruising by, not doing or creating anything extraordinary. I feel dull. Radiance of days past is missing today. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s a mood.
I feel that people judge me solely on my sensuality, my ability to flirt, my self confidence and drive. They see only that which they choose to see; that which either pleases them or annoys them. Extremes. Very few bother with the in-betweens, the workings of my mind, the nuances of my soul. That’s fine I suppose, why open myself up for scrutiny? I can’t erase my nature, can’t hide it or otherwise stifle it. I need to dance naked in the moonlight like the pagans of old, revel in the feminine energy that lights up my spirit. I try to bind it, tie it, otherwise destroy it but I can’t. I can’t and I won’t stop being myself; it’s not worth it. I crave the freedom to feel, to be, to explore, to tread past the veil of convention.
When people want things from one another, they can turn a blind eye to a myriad of problems. When the novelty wears off the wide-eyed hope becomes resentment. The past does catch up to the present and it makes me think long and hard about the future. I don’t want to be too harsh, too judgmental or too negative. I don’t want to sabotage myself or my relationships but my grasp on reality is firm and hope is nothing but a well crafted, well dressed lie. In short, just another fantasy.
What the hell am I talking about anyway? Just rambling I suppose. Truth vs. Desire? Desiring the truth? I’m still thinking about that. The thing about truth is that it’s not absolute as multiple truths can exist simultaneously confusing us further. I struggle at times with my desires as there are a great many of them that don’t necessarily match the truth. I crave emotional interaction, it moves me. Rivers feeding into an ocean; strands that split off and never return. Energy loss.
And now for something completely different
A lot of people ask me why I game. Why do I play D&D or Role-play (RP) in World of Warcraft or waste my time with such meaningless things. I’ve been role-playing since I was 15, that is when my first boyfriend got me into playing D&D. It’s one of the more positive things that came out of that formative relationship. Yes, I discovered D&D and sex all at once and perhaps it all fused together in my mind as highly “enjoyable”. Not entirely sure but I’ve never given up on either.
I’m an extremely visual person; a creative person down to the core. I can visualize so clearly I can almost feel it, taste it. Role-playing a character becomes a real experience somewhere in my mind and I can live as dangerously as I want, explore situations, environments and events, safely. It’s an escape that is also shared by people around the table, or in the case of online games, a community. It is in short a bit of wish fulfillment that allows me to exercise my creativity (believe me there is a lot of it) while escaping into a fantasy world of my making. I need this higher level interaction, it fuels me, inspires me and I find it extremely rewarding. Always have.
It’s a mental relief to transform into a stealthy assassin infiltrating a military base, a fearless barbarian shaman, a sweet-faced adolescent vampire or a sadistic blood elf warlock for a while. Daily life with it’s ins and outs is a grind and I seek escape perhaps more often than the next person. Role-playing is a bit like going on vacation from all that. In essence, the reward is the experience itself, the fantasy, the weaving of the tale. I can spend hours sketching characters and rendering them in 3D, fueling the fantasy with very real, tangible images.
Text RP also involves the ability to convey, through language, complex storytelling, mood, mannerisms and details. Keeping things fresh requires quite a bit of innovation and a refinement in my use of language and composition. In short this requires quite a bit of thinking. I’m mental so this aspect of RP is supremely satisfying for me as I love writing. Online RP is also extremely anonymous, allowing for even more detachment and freedom. It’s wonderful. Finally, RP has taught me quite a bit of conflict management and resolution.
I have D&D to thank for knowing the difference between a Bec de Corbin and a Lucern Hammer. How many of you know what a man catcher is? Well…don’t answer that!