Reeling

I haven’t been here a while eh? I guess I haven’t felt it or haven’t cared or both. I mean really like right now I don’t give a fuck. I lost my grandfather a month ago and I’m reeling from that, from having to watch my grandmother exist without a man she spent sixty years of her life with, alone in an empty house. This is hell. I miss him like crazy and it seems some things in life just seem petty in comparison to losing someone so special. Loss…inevitable.

Along those lines I lost two people who I thought were my friends over a crappy website and a bill of $100 bucks. Just goes to show how fucking fail some people are. I bent over backwards for these people and in the end they fuckin’ SUCK!!!! I would like to express my sincere fuck you to them both and don’t fucking tell me how you feel for my loss, go fuck yourselves.

People are so God damned useless. I put out a lot of good energy out there into the void, the world as a whole. I dump energy into people, friends, even strangers. More often than not it just disappears, evaporates into nothingness. Times like this I’d like to be someone else somewhere else, maybe even under ground in a dark cave. I don’t fucking know but I feel like hiding. I’m hurting and flapping about, running on empty; withdrawn.

Need to just blast music, loud until I can’t hear myself think. Let it all go, let go, let go! Fucking let go, let myself fall. Stop holding on so tight, no one cares! Focus on the drums, move my hips, focus…distilled to my very essence. Phoenix rising from flames. Move the fuck out the way or you will get burned.

Keep saying and doing, saying and doing, undoing
Unwinding, turning and twisting, watching me watching you
This is the best type of unscripted hypocrisy, premeditated lunacy
Keep giving freely until you’ve got nothing but empty pockets
Emotional bankruptcy, bereft and bleeding and talk is cheap
I live in a world that isn’t real, no, not even you and me
We’re just made of paper, paper planes in the breeze
Sink my teeth into nothingness and then wonder why I’m hungry
But fuck, I mean, this is me, guess it’s not enough, not enough
Not even morally, I’m hanging upside down, it’s hard to breathe
And I hate it when I feel this tearing, screaming, seething rage
It’s overwhelming me, inside of me, me, wish I could erase me
End the me in you and the you in me and pretend I was some other girl
Fuck this insecurity, fuck this darkness that sleeps with me
Want to destroy the idols of your idolatry, tear them down mercilessly
If this is what reality feels like then I refuse it, cause I hate to think
That I am nothing and my philosophy is a foregone tragedy
But less important, more like a sad play no one pays to see
Fuck, woe is me, can’t bear to see there is no one in the audience
For this disturbed soliloquy where I get to disagree intolerably
With myself for being idealistic or egotistic or pretending
That people actually care when in the end, hanging my head down
Lights just go out.

All the world’s a stage…one big game of pretend, of biting your tongue and going thorough the motions. Have I made it? If you can make it here you can make it anywhere. So true. I came from nothing, from eating dirt and plowing fields and here I am having plenty of time a day to bitch off the world. That is some success huh! Some people are fucking blind, what the fuck can I do about it? Enjoy your blindness fuckers!