Small Things

Just when I think I’ve learned enough lessons life makes sure to go ahead and teach me another one. I think I am destined to fall on my face for all eternity. I was so happy yesterday and look at me today. I feel like I’m twisted inside. All I can think about is the fact that I want my life back. Where did my happiness go?

In the end it’s all about the little things. All the silly cute games that you play, all the small things that you do for each other that no one else would ever understand. It’s these tiny details that hold two people together, that make them unique. My thoughts turn to him every waking moment. I feel haunted by the memory of us, that us that felt so incredibly right, the us I loved waking up to in the morning. I was so happy, so perfectly content, and I didn’t even know it. I miss him so much. I feel like we’ve been forced apart. I never wanted this.

I feel as though I am going out of my way to fill the emptiness that our breakup left behind. I bring unfamiliar faces into the familiar space that we both shared and I feel like I’m betraying us. No one else fits in that space, and the thought of someone else occupying it bothers me to no end. Although I know that technically there is no us, I still have all this guilt, but that is not all. Everyday that passes I realize more keenly that I hope for us, that I

feed the fire of our hope. That I continue to hold on, even if from a distance, to all those wonderful memories. I will have to live with the realization that I may never experience something like that ever again. Love is tricky sometimes, not always sweet. I feel a darkness very deep in my soul, an empty space that only he can fill. I don’t care what people say. I don’t want to be afraid of what people say, or of what they think. Who are these people that think they can have me? Who are these people that think only of themselves? I am not treasure to be plundered or a mountain to be climbed, I am a human being! I am. I’m tired of everyone and what they think I should feel.

Ours was a universe filled with beauty. I remember, and from the remembrance comes a poignant recollection of what it means to be in love. Not just a little bit in love, but truly in love. We built something out of those feelings, and yes, maybe it didn’t stand the test of time, maybe it wasn’t the sphinx or the colesseum, but it was better than anything in the whole world.

My life has been enriched by him in so many ways. I am forever changed. He showed me so many wonderful things, and I was so blind to see any of them. I think life gave me all my second chances and I screwed them up. I haven’t learned to be anything other than that kid, always trying to see how far I can go and still get away with it. I feel so lost and confused right now. So incredibly trapped by situations of my own design. That’s the worst part. I don’t think, am not thinking about my own happiness. I always put myself aside in order to make others comfortable. The truth is that for all I say and do, I am still incredibly accomodating. Don’t want to be that for anyone…anymore.

I am not some sort of platform from which people can launch their dreams. I am not a ladder that people can climb to get to the sky. I am a person. Be my equal, walk beside me, share life with me. Ah, but that is where the problem lies. People are always looking to get away with something, and I have so much they can get away with…that will change. You and I were different. We were two halves of a whole. We were beautiful and I miss you. You are my best friend, my air, my food, my drink, my perfect love. When I look at you I don’t see the blame, I only see what I want most in the whole world. What I would give for another chance…to know you. I don’t care about what they say…they don’t rule my heart.

All I can think about right now is you. I wonder if you are ok. I was afraid of your trip back to that island. I am afraid I won’t recognize you when you come back. The human spirit is such a fragile thing. Tears well up in my eyes and I miss you with my heart and soul. Please, God help him make the right choices. Help him see the light from inside that darkness that he’s having to face. Be well love, know that my thoughts and my love are with you.

I don’t care about the distance. What I feel inside can break any shackles, it can find your heart wherever you are. You sounded so scared on the phone, your voice distant, echoing through the line. Don’t fade love, stay strong. Sometimes the best way to destroy the demons (red beach balls) that plague us is to face them. We were better than everything.

Holding back the tears is always hard, but there is so much more here for you than that. There is so much more to a person than the lips they have kissed. God be with you.

Only we know…

Be well…

[learn_more caption=”Animism”] belief in personalized, supernatural beings (or souls) that often inhabit ordinary animals and objects, governing their existence. British anthropologist Sir Edward Burnett Tylor argued in Primitive Culture (1871) that this belief was the most primitive and essential form of religion, and that it derived from people’s self-conscious experience of the intangible, such as one’s reflected image or dreams. He has been criticized for deducing that the chief function of religion is to explain various phenomena. Robert Marett studied among the Melanesians of the South Seas, noting the concept of mana, or supernatural power independent of any soul. He described the belief in such a force as animism. People may also use mana; for example, a weapon that has killed many animals may be thought to have mana, and charms believed to have mana may be placed to protect gardens. French sociologist Emile Durkheim, in his Elementary Forms of Religious Life (1912, tr. 1965), argued that the roots of religion lay in totemism, where certain objects or animals are treated as sacred objects.[/learn_more]