Thursday is a good day

Last night I went I saw the new Jet Lee film “Romeo Must Die.” It was action packed. The Xena Warrior Princess supernatural-seeming maneuvers were a little hokey, but hey, Jet Lee is the real thing afterall. It was a good time.

The weather is beautiful outside, sunny and warm. I got another Poke Critter in the mail and life is good. I narrowly avoided a real deppressing moment on the ferry this morning. I was trying to tell R—- that it was all for the best and I got choked up in my own fears of being forgotten. I wonder what will happen. Today seems like a good day for change. I feel like something is about to happen, don’t know what yet. There’s all that expectation in the air…electrifying. What will the day hold in store for me?

I woke up really early and scanned some pictures of Venice. I sent J—- his Gnome picture in exchange for a very pretty poem he wrote me yesterday (Below).

Silence fills the empty room
Here she stands
Back from the battle with bloodless wounds
It is here she may fall
Passer-by’s watch and wonder|
What could have withered this pristine flower
I know better, my friend silence
That your roots hold, growing deeper
I know better than the others
That your flower will blossom brighter

I have to fight those “out of control” feelings. All is NOT lost. I was reading through some of my past journal entries and I began to see the horrible pattern. I’ve been blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong. I attack myself in every page, forcing a comparison that doesn’t really exist. It’s illogical for me to think that just because he likes someone else he doesn’t like me. I’ve been binging on insecurity and letting myself down every step of the way. That has got to change. While I strive to be better than I am, I am still wonderful. The bad feelings expressed have been extensive. Page after page of my book is filled with self inflicted torture. Furthermore, words are somehow more “valid” when they’re written. I don’t think anyone has made me feel worse than myself. Needless to say, I gotta work on that confidence.

My hair is a matted mess, and I think I like it. I haven’t combed it in a while. Hair is very long. I’ll have to trim it one of these days. I need some sun. I had a dream last night that I was by the ocean, it felt so good. Maybe this summer I’ll go with my parents to Belize. My mood improved from this morning. As soon as I say that I’m feeling good the bad feeling sets in. Very strange. From now on I’ll tell everyone I’m feeling bad that way I can continue feeling good. Every Friday my friend -DF reads me the Israeli Horoscope. It’s the most accurate horoscope in the world. Scary accurate. Horoscope has said nothing about emotional happiness, only that more money is coming…he he he. Hey, at least that’s something. I’m very happy with my new job. I was tired of having to wear the corporate uniform. No more. I dress however I like. My last job sucked. I was there for a year, then I finally quit. I went back the other day to say “Hello” to -D and Eddy, and I was confronted by Stefan (VP of Publishing–old boss), who cornered me in a dark office and told me that he almost told security never to let me in the building again. When I asked why he implied that I was seducing his employees (to the point that they couldn’t get the job done), and that I was demoralizing his workers by talking badly of the company. It was very juvenile of him. Totally surreal…like an episode of the Twilight Zone, especially considering that I was there for only 15 minutes. I still don’t know what he was talking about, but just to keep it real I’ll tell you that my old job sucked. I miss some personalities there, but that’s about it. Among some of my complaints are: Working 17 continuous hours a day for 4 months, never gotting overtime pay, benefits, or compensation for the website I built. I partially blame this job for my emotional problems today. Stefan would have been better off telling the guard not to let me in. That whole little harrassment episode was poorly handled, just like everything else is in that company. Ok, I’ll stop writing for now and post some of those much awaited pictures.

Sometime later. The person at extension 2-0-4-5 is not available to take your call. The person at extension 3-5-7-7 is not available to take your call. Is ANYONE available to take my call? HELP!!! Does anyone give a shit at all? I’m tired of being the nobody, getting yelled at, feeling like I’m in love with a person that doesn’t even recognize me. The whole world is fucking backwards. FUCK IT!!!!! I’m just tired…And everyone and their mother is better than me. No man should have the power to make a woman feel this way. No. I object to the way my life is going. I disagree with the misfortune coming my way. I strongly disagree. I do not approve or condone any of the bad things that are happening to me. I do not deserve this. God if you’re listening, just make it all go away.

[learn_more caption=”The Legend of the Dreamcatcher”] The Old Ones tell that Dreams hold great power and drift about at night before coming to the sleeping ones. To keep the Dreamer safe, the Old Ones created a special Web, The Dream Catcher, To hang above their sleeping places. When Dreams traveled the Web paths, the Bad Dreams lost their way and were entangled, disappearing with the First rays of Daybreak. The Good Dreams, knowing the way, passed through the center and were guided gently to the Sleeping Ones.[/learn_more]